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Tuesday, July 23, 2019

How to prevent the itch of lust

It's always difficult to talk about one's areas of weakness, even with those who are close to us. Sex especially is a sensitive topic since our modern society is so dysfunctional and hyper-sexualized.

A verse with me from Hari Bhakti Vilasa where Sanatana Goswami permits sex within marriage, not only for the purpose of bearing children:

ti matvā sva-dāreṣu
ṛtu-matsu budho vrajet
yathokta-doṣa-hīneṣu
sa-kāmeṣv anṛtāv api

Translation: Knowing well the dangers of sex outside marriage, an intelligent soul must engage in sex with one’s spouse during the prescribed times of the month. Such sex is also allowed at proper faultless times when the spouse desires it. (Hari-bhakti-vilāsa 11.173)

The point is that the sexual urge is strong and very difficult to give up. Furthermore, given the modern situation where we often have to associate with non-devotees, who are basically constantly contemplating sex, to practice strict celibacy within marriage is very, very difficult, and only possible at a fairly advanced stage of devotional practice.

So, if the sexual urge is not satisfied within the marriage then there is a great risk of lusting after other women who are not one's spouse, and this is a grave danger. It is much better if one can simply find shelter for his/her lustful urges in the sanctity and safety of the marriage. I believe this constitutes "licit" sex-life and I don't think it is sinful, particularly when seen next to the alternative of lusting after other women.

However, also pointed out that scripture does give the other perspective in many places, such as:

evaṁ vyavāyaḥ prajayā na ratyā

Translation: Religious sex life is also permitted, but only in marriage for begetting children, and not for sensuous exploitation of the body. (Śrīmad-bhāgavatam 11.5.13)

Srila Prabhupada wrote many letters to disciples wherein he prohibits or strongly discourages them from having sex except for the purpose of bearing children. Also our acaryas comment on the well-known "kamo-smi" statement in Gita (7.11) that this refers only to sex for the purpose of bearing children with one's spouse.

However, it is my belief that this applies specifically to the brahminical class of men. As aspiring Vaisnavas, we must see whether or not we are able to follow that standard with integrity. We should be mature enough to acknowledge where we are at and also what is the ultimate goal, i.e. total celibacy in pure Krsna consciousness. However, it's not that there is one standard of dharma for all mankind. What is dharmic and adharmic depends largely on one's position, or adhikara. In this regard there is a very relevant verse from Srimad Bhagavatam:

sve sve ’dhikāre yā niṣṭhā sa guṇaḥ parikīrtitaḥ
viparyayas tu doṣaḥ syād ubhayor eṣa niścayaḥ

"Steadiness in one’s own position is declared to be actual piety, whereas deviation from one’s position is considered impiety. In this way the two are definitely ascertained." (SB 11.21.2)

I think there is sastric support for religious, regulated sex life within marriage, and that by striving for this one will gradually experience a lessening of the lustful urge, specifically in proportion to their increase in Krsna conscious practice. However, as Sanatana Goswami advises, it should only be done at "proper faultless times" and, we can add, in a prayerful mood, so that in case a child is conceived, he/she will be a good-natured devotee of the Lord.

Here is one additional quote / word of caution from Srila Prabhupada:

"Sex life, licit or illicit, is practically the same, but through illicit sex one becomes more and more captivated. By regulating one’s sex life there is a chance that one may eventually be able to renounce sex or renounce the association of women. If this can be done, advancement in spiritual life comes very easily." (SB 4.25.62)

It is important for spouses to discuss sex so that both are on the same page. Otherwise it may cause friction or even serious problems in the relationship if one partner feels differently than the other. Also it is important for each spouse to find the words to express his/her feelings in an honest way, and to humbly make requests of the other spouse when necessary, without imposing demands or expectations. And of course we must always trust in Krsna and Sri Guru that the situation we have at present is best for us. They will gradually guide us to higher and higher stages of Krsna consciousness and, when necessary, help us to change our circumstances to facilitate our spiritual practice (for instance, in order to reduce jana-sanga).
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To divert the itch I would recommend reading descriptions of the conjugal pastimes of Radha and Krishna, or of Krishna with the gopis. This is the prescription of SB:

"Anyone who faithfully hears or describes the Lord’s playful affairs with the young gopīs of Vṛndāvana will attain the Lord’s pure devotional service. Thus he will quickly become sober and conquer lust, the disease of the heart." (10.33.39)

Srila Prabhupada confirms this in the purport: https://vedabase.io/en/library/sb/10/33/39/

In addition to Srimad Bhagavatam, there are numerous other books which have been written or translated by Srila Prabhupada's disciples that present the writings of the six goswamis on the topic of Krishna's pastimes with the gopis in Vrindavan.

By reading such transcendental literatures with a humble and sincere heart, and taking shelter of Srila Gurudeva, then I think the mundane lustful urge will very quickly go away.

You could also try reading and contemplating the pastime of Krishna's killing Pralambasura. According to Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura, Pralambasura represents mundane lust.

Here is a link to a book compiled by HH Bhakti Caitanya Swami on the topic of Krishna's killing the different demons and the various anarthas they represent:

https://bcais.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/Demons_in_Vrindavana_Lila-1.pdf#page=41
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There is also this nice story told by Srila Prabhupada, printed in the SSR under the section "Truth and Beauty."

https://vedabase.io/en/library/ssr/1/